Hope
by Loveciel
Summary: What if Ana is not so lucky during her Jack Hyde encounter? What if she she miscarries? How will Ana, Christian and her family cope?
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

CPOV:

I'm sitting around in the board room of WSU, surrounded by people but it seems like I can't think about anything other than Ana this morning. Although I just ran from her; I really can't stop thinking about her and what she revealed to me.

A baby… I'm going to be a father….. How!? How do I do this?

I behaved in an appalling manner with Ana, hurt her in every way possible…just because I couldn't handle the news.

But we are so young... I thought I'll show her the world... are we really ready to be parents? To handle a small fragile baby, so dependent on us. I think about how Ana wants the child and I realize the child is as much a part of me as Ana's.

I love my baby already… the realization hits me like a freight train! Less than an hour ago, I was repelled by the idea of fatherhood; but now I see how much this baby would mean to me and all my family! They'll be ecstatic and my precious little child would be spoiled rotten by Elliot and Mia and Kate.

After what seems like ages I finally smile. I'll need all the help in the world, but I want my Ana to be happy, I want us to be happy. The thought of an abortion repels me now. It would be like murdering a child that is not born.

I finally make up my mind. The first thing I'll do once I return to Seattle is run back to Ana and apologize. I'll show her how much both she and the baby mean to me.

And with that thought I quickly address all the members of the meeting and get up to leave. I call Taylor and ask him to drive me to the helicopter right away. I need my Ana. That's all I could think of.

We are getting ready to take off, when Taylor gets a call and he sounds tensed. The look on his face tells me something is wrong. I ask him immediately what's wrong.

"It's Ana Sir, she's not feeling well. Sawyer took her home. I think we should take off for Seattle right away." He says it all in one breath. God this man is equally protective of Ana as me. God I hope she's fine. I hope the baby is fine.

We hurry through the rest of the flight check and take off. I'm desperate to get back to my wife. Soon we land on the helipad of Escala. And I rush out of the helicopter; Taylor right behind my heels, when all of sudden Taylor shouts "Fuck, how did you let her get away!"

I spin around and a chill shoots through my spine. I see Taylor is gripping his phone like he is about to crush it and I swear he has a pained expression on his face. He is always so composed and formal, but all traces of composure is lost.

'What is it?' my voice is barely a whisper.

'Mrs. Grey is not at home Sir, she got away' he says with a pained voice.

"What do you mean she got away?" I bellow in anger. Is she running, she's running from me...? I've lost her

"She evaded Sawyer and took her car. She's at the bank" Taylor says and I barely hear him.

I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and hope that it is Ana. I answer without looking at the screen. And I'm met with the voice of Mr. Whelan, the manager of the bank where I keep my accounts.

"Mr. Grey, I'm sorry to disturb you but your wife is here at the bank demanding to withdraw 5 million. Do I have your permission?" he asks. That's all I need to hear to break down. I fall on my knees.

"Mr. Grey, are you still on the line?' Mr. Whelan inquires. "May I talk to my wife please?" I say as smoothly as I can manage.

"Yes of course, Mr. Grey. Give me a moment please" and with that I'm put on hold.

After what seems like hours, I finally hear Ana's voice on the other end of the line.

Hi" she murmurs.

"Are you leaving me?" I whisper. My voice sounds pained even to me.

"No!" she replies at once. Her voice mirrors my pain. And before relief could course through my veins at her answer, she says "yes". Something's changed in her voice.

I gasp and I slump down, I've lost all hope. I try desperately to think of something to say, to apologize but nothing comes to my mind. "Ana I –"

"Christian, please. Don't." she cuts me off before I can say anything else.

"You're going?" I ask

"Yes."

"But why the cash? Was it always the money?" I whisper out barely audible to myself.

"No," She whispers back. Her voice is heavy with tears. Is she crying?

"Is five million enough?"

"Yes."

"And the baby?" my voice is a breathless echo.

"I'll take care of the baby," She murmurs.

She is definitely upset. She really doesn't want to leave, does she? I have to try getting her back!

"This is what you want?" I ask praying that she says no.

"Yes."

I inhales sharply. "Take it all," I spit out.

"Christian," she sob. "It's for you. For your family. Please. Don't."

What! What is she saying? My family….."Take it all, Anastasia." I repeat without thinking.

"Christian - " she pauses. I can hear her breathing heavily.

I need to figure out what's going on. I have to get her back. I'll follow her and get her back.

"I'll always love you." And with that I disconnect the line. I'm met with Mr. Whelan's voice again and i quickly instruct him to liquidate all my assets and let Ana withdraw as much as she wants.

With my new resolution to get Ana I get up with all the determination in the world, and I turn to Taylor. "Taylor I need to see her, take me to her"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

CPOV:

As we reach the basement of Escala, I rush to my car and get on to the passenger side. Taylor is just about to start the car, when he receives a call from Sawyer.

He puts it on loudspeaker and answer "Yes Sawyer, where are you? I have Mr. Grey with me."

"I tracked Mrs. Grey's phone and followed her to the bank." Sawyer replies. Relief floods me when I hear this. Maybe Sawyer could stall her there till I reach to talk her out of leaving me.

"Taylor, something's wrong though." Taylor looks at me with concern before asking him to continue.

"I am parked right behind her car and she hasn't come out yet. But the tracking device shows she is on the move. I don't think she's running T, I think she's in trouble"

My mind starts flooding with thoughts... Why would Ana go to such lengths to evade Sawyer? I know my staff would do her bidding in a heartbeat even if it means she's leaving me. And 5 million… all this money? Ana's much too proud and independent to take all that money from me. She's always shied away from my wealth. She never had any interest in my money…why now? And she promised she'd never leave me!

I play out the conversation in my head again…she mentioned she was doing this for my family…what could she have meant by that... the more I think the more confused I get. This behavior is so unlike Ana

"Sawyer, keep tracking her phone and follow it…. We will track it and join you shortly. Keep us updated" I instruct him as calmly as I can even though my heart seems like it's going to jump out of my chest.

"Let's go Taylor. Let's find out what's wrong" I say.

He starts driving like a madman following the signal from Ana's phone.

It doesn't take us long to reach a deserted area lined with deserted houses and a vacant children's playground, before I notice sawyer jumping out of his practically moving car. I follow his line of vision and the scene playing out in front of my eyes chills my bones.

I see Ana lying on the floor, with a gun in her hand. Not far from her is the fucker Jack Hyde, Holding his knee...

I jump out of the car and rush to Ana screaming her name. Everything around me is a blur. It takes all my self-control to not beat Jack Hyde into pulp, but I know Taylor would take care of that. My Ana needs me...

I kneel down by her and hold her gently, trying to assess her wounds. Her eyes as are barely open but she whispers "Save Mia"

Mia….she's here? That's when the pieces fall into its places. That fucker Hyde must have kidnapped Mia and called Ana for the ransom, 5 million. I'm livid with rage, the fucker got his hands on the two women I love most in this world.

I shout out to Taylor, asking him to look for Mia. As I turn my attention to Ana, I see her breathing is becoming labored. That's when I notice that she's bleeding….she's bleeding from her stomach.

The world stops spinning for a moment… yet my heart starts pounding. No, no this can't be happening…no we can't lose our baby, not when I just started loving it! No, what will I tell Ana?

I feel so helpless. I am proud at my ability to maintain control in all matters, yet my wife's lying here bleeding in my arms and my unborn child is probably dying.

I keep whispering Ana's name over and over, rocking her gently hoping she would open her eyes and tell me everything is fine. I keep hoping that help will come and someone will save my baby, but it seems like time has stopped and there's no one around me.

I feel like the 4 year old I was. I feel lost. I feel broken.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

CPOV:

By the time the paramedics arrive, I'm in a daze. I refuse to leave my wife's side till they allow me to ride in the same ambulance. I barely took note when Taylor informed me that Mia has been found and she's safe but sedated. Even though deep down I'm relieved my sister is unharmed, I can't think of anything other than Ana and my baby.

The ride to Seattle Grace Hospital takes forever. Even though the paramedics managed to stop the bleeding, I'm worried sick. Ana is unconscious. I hold her hand throughout the journey.

As soon as we reach the hospital; I find Grace standing at the entrance. She looks really worried. God bless Taylor, that man must have called my mother on the way to the hospital.

I jump out and rush straight into her arms and hug her while I start crying like a 4 year old. My mind is scrambled. I can't put my thoughts together and I am not able to form sentences. She keeps asking what happened and I can't form a reply.

As I see Ana being lifted into the gurney and wheeled in, I keep crying. There's a flurry of activity around her as the doctors and nurses assess her frail body and wounds. I'm sure Grace must have arranged for the best doctors to attend to her daughter-in-law, but this doesn't reassure me in the least.

I just keep crying.

After a few breaths I look up at my mom who looks tortured…."save them" I choke out.

"Them?" my mom asks confused.

"Ana's pregnant mom… with my baby. Save them" I plead

Grace gasps and her hand flies to her mouth. Tears start pouring out and she holds me for a while; before she says with determination, "Let me go and help Ana, son. I'll keep you updated."

Taylor leads me into a waiting room and I feel lost again. I can't think straight. I'm in a daze again.

I wait for what seems like hours, before I see Carrick, Ethan, Kate and Elliot rushing into the waiting room. Kate rushes to me, hugs me and starts crying. Oddly her touching me doesn't bother me. I guess I'm too preoccupied. I debate whether or not to tell her about her best friend's pregnancy…

Finally Elliot breaks the teary silence; "She'll be fine Christian. She's a strong woman."

"She's pregnant" I blurt out.

Kate stops crying. She looks at me and I can see she's enraged. Out of nowhere she slaps me. The sting of the slap, the pain brings me out of my daze. I finally start noticing my surroundings. I notice that everyone is stunned by Kate's reaction.

"How could you let her get hurt? How could you let this happen to her; to them?" Kate spits out...

"Baby stop," Elliot gently holds Kate in his arms as she turns to him and cries onto his chest. He looks at me and mouths I'm Sorry.

But I know Kate is right. Even though she might have reacted out of reflex in blaming me, I know she's right. It's my fault Ana's hurt and fighting for her life.

As I drown in self-loathing, I see my mom walk into the waiting room.

I get up at once and go to her. "How are they mom?"

She looks at everyone in a daze and whispers out "Ana's out of danger. She'll make full recovery."

Everyone but me slumps with relief. Only I saw the anguish in my mother's eyes as she said those words.

"And the baby?" I whisper back.

That's when she starts crying. She slowly shakes her head no.

I feel my heart shatter. This is all my fault.

"That's not all…" Grace chokes out.

I look into her eyes... no! This isn't good. Whatever she's about to tell me isn't good.

"Ana was stabbed repeatedly in the stomach and that's why she miscarried. But the stab wounds also damaged her ovaries. She may never conceive again" Grace sobs out.

I feel pain. Physical pain. It's like those cigarettes burns were nothing compared to what I feel now. I lost my baby.

Unaware of my surroundings I cry the night away.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

 **CPOV:**

It's around dawn when my mother returns to inform that Ana has been shifted to a private room. She tells me that I'm allowed to see her, even though she's not woken up.

But how can I look at her when it's all my fault. How will she stand me in the same room as herself? I hurt her so much the last time I saw her and then I let our baby get murdered.

"Way to go Grey! You didn't want to be a father and now she'll never conceive again! Now you'll never be a father. Well done!" I think to myself.

When I make no move to get up, my mother ushers everyone out of the waiting room and comes down to sit next to me. "Talk to me son, tell me what's on your mind…" she encourages. Her voice sounds hoarse, like she's been crying all night. I look at her and see her puffy red eyes and I realize how much everyone loves Ana and how much this baby must have meant to everyone….

I sigh and wonder how I should answer her question. Will she hate me if I tell her how I treated Ana when she broke the news to me. I think she will but I decide to tell her anyway.

I take a deep breath and launch into the details and series of events that led us here. I don't dare to look into my mother's eyes while I talk. I'm scared of what I'll see if I do. "I hurt her mother. I think I broke her heart. I am such an idiot. But I had realized that I love this baby as well and I was on my way to her, to beg for my forgiveness when all of this happened. When I found her like that I didn't know what to do, I was so lost. I still am!" And I break down again. I'm surprised that the tears flow so easily from my eyes. I thought I had none to shed.

Grace says nothing for a while. But she holds me while I cry. After I calm down a little, I look at her and the disappointment I see in her eyes makes me hate myself even more.

"Christian, the way you treated Ana was horrible, I raised you better than that. But please don't blame yourself for a minute for losing the baby. If I know Ana as well as I think I do, she will also blame herself once she finds out. But this isn't her fault either. There's only one person to blame and that fucker was almost beaten to death by Taylor." I'm surprised to hear her swear.

"Don't hate yourself son," she continues. She read my mind, but then again she knows me and my self-loathing tendencies. "You have grown up to be a strong man, Christian. And you need to be stronger than ever now. Ana will need you to be strong for her. This news will hit her hard. And we have no idea how she will react to it, but she will need you to get through this. So don't hate yourself or blame yourself. It won't help either of you." I look at her and I can't help admire how strong and composed she is. She really is an angel. My angel who saves me over and over again.

"But mom, what if she doesn't want me around her. What if she blames me for all this? What if she leaves Me.? I don't this I'll live if I lose her." I whisper, speaking out my worst fear.

"Christian, no! Don't say things like that!" grace admonishes. "Ana loves you. You mean the world to her. She might be upset with you but she will come around. You both will get each other through these trying time."

"How do we break the news to her?" I ask

Grace thinks for a while before answering, "Let's see how much she remembers before she wakes up. It's best if we don't tell her till she asks. We don't want to stress her out at a time like this. I think you should go to her. You don't want her to wake up to an empty room."

I nod and slowly get up. I let grace lead the way to her room. As I enter, the sight of Ana lying there so broken and frail, pains me. I go sit next to her and take her hand in mine and pray that she wakes up soon.

"I called Ray and Carla to inform them about their daughter. Ray will be arriving here shortly and Carla, tomorrow morning. It's best if we let them know about the miscarriage before they meet Ana." Grace informs and then she goes out of the room leaving me with Ana.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

CPOV:

I have been sitting alone with Ana, for what seems like hours when the door suddenly opens and Ray walks in. I see concern etched all over his face as he sees his daughter lying there motionless.

When he looks at me, I see his eyes are glossy. He walks up to me and engulfs me into a tight hug. This takes me by shock. After a while, he lets me go and says "I met Grace outside. She told me what happened…" his voice breaks but he continues "I'm so sorry, you lost your baby, son. But I'm glad you are with my Ana. Help her through this please. She can be stubborn and she might push you away, but don't let her do that." I'm shocked to hear this from him. I was sure he would be angry that I let his daughter get hurt.

"You are not angry with me?" I blurt out without thinking

"No, Christian! What made you think I would be?" he seems surprised at my comment. "I was livid when I heard about it, but none of my anger was directed to you. You had no control over the situation."

Oh if only he knew how I had treated his daughter… I think grace left out those details. He sits with me for a while till a nurse comes in to check for Ana's vitals. He excuses himself, saying he needs to go talk to Carrick about the treatment the fucker Jack Hyde should receive. His comment almost makes me smile. I can't help but wonder how Ana is surrounded by so many protective people who love her so much, yet she's here, broken on a hospital bed.

It's almost noon and Ana has not woken up yet. I'm getting restless and I can't help but think about all sorts of negative thoughts. I'm pacing around the room when the door bursts open and Mia rushes in. her face is tear-stained and she looks anguished. She rushes over to me and starts crying onto my chest. I hold her till she calms down.

"I'm so sorry Christian. I'm so sorry! All this happened because I refused to take the security with me to the gym. I'm so sorry" and another wave of tears hit her. I'm shocked to hear Mia blame herself and I'm speechless. So I hold onto her tightly while she cries.

"Don't blame yourself Mia. It could have been any one of us in your place. I'm just glad you are safe." I tell her gently, to calm her down. She nods slightly and goes to sit down beside Ana.

It's only then that I realize that Elliot, Carrick and Kate are all present in the room. We sit around for a while, none of us saying anything to each other. After a while, they get up to leave and decide to leave me alone with my wife.

I take Ana's hand in my own, when Kate walks into the room again. She stares at me for a while trying to speak, but I think she is at a loss of words. "I'm sorry" she finally whispers out.

I'm confused. I don't know what she is apologizing for. My face must have shown the confusion.

"I'm sorry for slapping you last night." She clarifies. I start to reply before she raises her hand and cuts me off, "no let me finish Christian. I was so overwhelmed last night! So scared for Ana, that I didn't notice how anguished you were. You lost your baby too, Christian. It's not just her. You are probably hurting as much as she will when she finds out." She pauses for a breath before she continues, "I know we never got along that well, but you are like my brother Christian; if only by law. I can't stand to see you hurt either. I care for you too, even though I never show it. Probably because you are an annoying control freak." There's a ghost of a smile on her lips as she says this. I smile back at her, surprised by her confession. "Remember I'm always here for both of you. You can always talk to me and I'll do anything to help. I love you both." I nod at her. She stays near the door for a beat, before she turns to leave.

I realize now what my brother sees in Kate now. Under all that annoying exterior, there is a compassionate women after all.

I look at Ana, still motionless, and whisper out, "oh Ana, open your eyes baby. You have everyone so worried. Come on now, you have everyone waiting long enough!" I wait for a reaction, any reaction, but there is none... I sigh and just go back to pacing the room.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

CPOV:

It's been over 36 hours, and Ana still has not woken up. People have been dropping by to check on her. But I have not moved from her side for an instant. Flynn came by with his wife to visit and even he seemed upset with what happened. Everyone has grown to love Ana so much in such a short time. She really is something. Taylor had brought Gail along and both of them have been driving themselves sick with worry.

Carla was almost hysterical when she saw her daughter lying motionless. It took Kate and Grace hours to calm her down. Even Ana's assistant and Dr. Greene dropped by for a while.

The police wanted a statement from me but Taylor managed to get rid of them for a while.

My father came to update me on Jack Hyde's condition. Hyde's still unconscious. Apparently Ana managed to put a bullet through him and Taylor did send him to the mouth of death before the paramedics had arrived. I never assumed that Taylor would lose his cool like that. Carrick told me Hyde's under 24- hours surveillance, and the minute he can be moved, he'll be taken to a high security prison, till he can face trial. Carrick promised me that he'll make sure that Hyde never sees the light of day again.

Ana's nurses and doctors have been checking on her periodically. Her surgeon told me that they have put Ana under a medically induced coma, and that's why she's been so unresponsive. She informed that Ana will wake up as soon as her body and mind let her.

Everyone tried convincing me to go home and rest for a while but I refused. Finally Taylor brought me a change of clothes and pointed out that it'll be better if Ana woke up to see me fresh and clean instead of covered in her blood. It was only then that I realized what a mess I was. My shirt was stained with Ana's blood from when I was holding her and so were my hands. I agreed to leave her side only for 10 minutes as I cleaned up in the adjoining bathroom of the hospital room.

It's nearly 8 O' Clock and I'm sitting alone in the room with Ana's hand in mine, when I hear some commotion outside the room. It seems like my mother's shouting at someone. I don't want to leave Ana's side but I also want to find out what's wrong. I'm debating inside my head when the door flies open and Kate rushes in followed by Elliot and Mia. "Elena's here." Elliot spits out with such venom in his voice.

I'm shocked! How dare she come here after I cut all ties with her?

"Go calm down mom. We'll stay with Ana till you come back." Mia says gently.

I don't want to leave Ana but I need to kick Elena out of here before she comes into the room; though I doubt Taylor would ever let that happen. I nod at Mia and walk out of the room to find mom screaming all sorts of profanities at Elena and Taylor standing there looking helpless.

I rush over to my mom and tell her to calm down and she pauses for a second to look at me.

Elena uses this opportunity to speak up. "Oh Christian, darling. Look at you; you're such a mess!" she tries to come close to me but my mother steps in between.

"How dare you address my son like that after he cut all ties with you? Get away from him!" her voice is cold but menacing.

But Elena has the audacity to bark out a fake laugh. "Oh honey, didn't Christian tell you we have rekindled our friendship? He came running to me right after he found out he was going to be a father. Such an emotional mess he was that day. Wanted to get rid of that "thing" as he addressed it. It was me who convinced him to keep it. But I guess it was never meant to be was it? Anyhow, its good in a way isn't it... Christian would never have made a good father. I only convinced him to keep the baby so that he could see that for himself..." she utters the last few words looking directly into my eyes.

I'm shaking with rage, I can't believe I let such a horrible manipulative bitch control me for years. I'm about to ask Taylor to kick her out when I see my mother's hand fly out and make contact with her face with a loud smack!

Both Taylor and I look at her with shock. "Don't you ever dare to contact anyone in this family again, you filthy lying whore. Get away from here, from my family. In fact get away from this city and if I ever see you again I will make sure you spend the rest of your life in behind the bars." I have never seen Grace like this. Her threat managed to scare me. I wonder what she'll say to me when she realizes that part of what Elena said is true.

Grace looks at Taylor and asks him to take Elena out of the premises. "And get a restraining order on her" she instructs. All this while Elena doesn't utter a word, she seems to be in shock. I guess she's not used to being treated like this.

Once Taylor has taken Elena out of our sight, Grace turns around to look at me. Her eyes are cold. "Come with me right away." Her voice is equally cold.

I follow her to her chamber in the hospital and she commands me to sit on the chair while she sits on her chair across the desk. "How much of that is true son?" she asks

I stare at my folded hands on my lap, unable to form a reply. "Answer right away before I make assumptions." My mother says as calmly as she can.

I look at her and my voice is barely a whisper; "I didn't run to her as she claimed. After Ana broke the news to me; I panicked and told all those nasty things and then I left her alone; crying. I tried calling John but he was not in town. So I found the nearest bar and I was drinking myself to oblivion, angry at myself, at Ana, when Elena came in and saw me. I suppose it was near her salon and she was just dropping in after a day at work. She came and sat next to me and asked me what's wrong. I told her Ana wanted kids but I never mentioned the pregnancy to her. I never told her that I wanted Ana to get an abortion. I just told her that I was scared to be a father. She assured me that I'm worrying without reason and I'll be great with a child and then we simply parted ways. After that I went back home to Ana. I was so drunk and out of it that Ana had to put me to bed. It's then that she found a few messages that Elena had sent after we left from the bar, on my phone. That's what pissed her off most. That's why she was so angry with me. And I was an idiot. Couldn't get myself to apologize. Instead I flipped out on her for checking my phone. I left for Portland shortly and that's when I realized what an asshole I am for treating my wife like that. I realized that I do love this baby and I was rushing back to her but Jack Hyde got to her before me."

I see a series of emotions pass through my mother's eyes before she speaks again. "Oh Christian, why did you hurt Ana so much! This is appalling. I don't know if I would have forgiven you had it been me in her place."

What she says scares me. I guess she finally gets how badly I messed up.

When she speaks up again, her voice is soft but cold, "Christian you are my son and I will always love you. But should Ana decide not to forgive you, I will take her side. And I suppose the rest of the family will too. You have to fight for her forgiveness, son if she decides otherwise. You'll be on your own then. Because I will support Ana through all of it."

I nod dumbly, acknowledging what she said. Her words send me spiraling into depression and I feel like a lost 4 year old again! I don't know what to say. I simply get up to leave. I wander down the hallways, till I find myself in front of Ana's room again.

I know I have blundered and probably fucked up our relationship but I have almost lost Ana. More than once in fact. I know that living without her is not an option. So I will fight for her. I will fight tooth and nail till I can make Ana see how much I love her. And I can only hope that she will be the forgiving, selfless Ana I fell in love with. I walk in the room to find Kate, Elliot and Mia still huddled around Ana. They get up to leave as they see me. Once again I'm left with alone with Ana, praying and whispering to her to open her eyes soon.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

APOV:

Darkness…there's so much darkness around me. It's scary but also peaceful. It seems like I have been in this darkness for quite a while and I feel one with it. The darkness is menacing but it welcomes me. I want to succumb to it, but my heart tells me not to. "Wake up Ana!" screams my subconscious, but I don't want to. I don't want to open my eyes and face the light because I know that light will be an illusion. Deep down I know that when I open my eyes all that blinding light will be harsh and unwelcoming as compared to this darkness. No, no I choose this darkness. I'll be here for a while and let it comfort me.

But I keep hearing this voice, "Open your eyes baby, please."; "God, I love you so much baby" there's so much anguish in that voice that I almost want to open my eyes and comfort the owner of the voice. I want to reach out and comfort this person.

The darkness starts fading… it turns grey. This is nice. The grey is soothing but melancholy. But I like the grey more than the darkness I was in. I feel loved here. The whispers are strong here. Louder. But filled with more anguish. Christian… the name floats through my head. My fifty…..grey eyes…

My thoughts are scattered as I keep seeing this beautiful man with grey eyes, the man I call Christian. I see him kiss me. I see him hold me. I see him make love to me. I feel his touch and I feel his love….

And then, all my memories rush back at once… Jack Hyde, him stabbing me, I remember Christian's tear stained face. So much pain in his eyes… pain….there's so much pain…everything hurts but I'm closer to the light…I feel like the fog is lifting and all at once I open my eyes..

I am met with sterile white wall and I look around to see I'm placed on a hospital bed with all sorts of needles poking me. I see Christian sitting by my bed with his head resting on the edge. He has my hand in his and he's holding on to it like it's the source of his life. It seems like he's sleeping. I try calling out his name but no sound comes out. I try squeezing his hand but it's so feeble, it has no effect. Christian just stirs slightly.

I try squeezing his hand again and this time his head shoots up and I am met with his beautiful grey eyes.

So many emotions pass through his eyes till they fill up with tears and at once his lips are on mine. The intensity of the kiss takes me by shock. And I kiss him back as best as I can. All too soon, his lips part from mine and I notice tears running down his face. Oh fifty, what put you in so much pain. I want to reach out and comfort him. Tell him that I love him…but all I end up saying is "Hi"

Christian smiles a little, but it doesn't reach his eyes. "Hey. You finally opened your eyes, Ana! Hang on for a bit, and I'll get your doctor and nurse." He tries to let go of my hand but I hang onto it. He looks down at me and says, "Don't worry baby, I'll be back in a blink." I let go of him reluctantly.

He hurries out of the room and soon he's back inside with a nurse at his heels. Grace follows them in as well.

As the nurse starts checking my vitals I can't help but notice the tension radiating off both Christian and Grace. Every once a while Christian keeps glancing at Grace nervously and then looks back at me. It's like he believes I'm going to vanish into thin air any minute.

The nurse asks me if I need something and I ask for some water. As the nurse goes to fetch some water, Grace helps me sit up. I catch Christian looking at me and then he looks down at my belly…my belly… Blip! Oh! My baby… I remember the pain, my hands shoot up to my belly and I feel so empty. I look up at Christian and I see he's crying... no this is not good… I look at Grace and her face mirrors Christian's emotion...

"The baby?" I croak out as I look into Christian's eyes… he nods his head no, very slightly and that's all I need to know that I have lost my precious Blip forever.

I feel like I can't breathe… It's like I'm thrown into icy cold water and I'm drowning. I want to move my hands and legs to kick and scream for help but I am so numb. It's best if I drown. The darkness washes over me again and before I close my eyes, I see Christian rushing towards me.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

CPOV:

 _ **Three Days Later-**_

Ana's getting discharged today. And all this while she has barely said a word. After she found out she had miscarried; she had fainted and she didn't come around for hours. Everyone was worried sick. No one knew what to say to her once she woke up again. No one knew what she would say or do. Everyone one was so anxious. Grace decided that it would be best for her to find out about the other complications once she's out of the hospital and healed. It won't be a good idea to put her under more stress and pain.

We decided to keep our mouths shut till we could figure out the right time to break the news to her.

But once she woke up, things got worse. It's as if she's not my Ana anymore. Just the shell of a woman we once knew and loved. She talked to everyone and she smiled at everyone and thanked everyone who visited her but none of those sentiments were felt. Her voice was hollow, her eyes blank devoid of any emotions. And she didn't cry.

We were ready for her to break down and I was personally ready for her to throw all the blame at me, but that never happened. She didn't shed a single tear for her lost child.

Flynn says that she's in shock and we should give her some time to deal with all of this instead of pushing her to do or feel things.

All of us decided to be as cheerful as we can around her, even though it's killing us to pull off this charade.

But what is killing me the most is that she has barely spoken to me. Barely looked me in the eye. And barely touched me since she woke up. Every time I take her hand in mine she flinches ever so slightly and it feels like I'm being punched in my gut every damn time.

I'm pulled out of my thoughts as I see Grace wheeling her out of her room. She walks up to me with Ana on the wheelchair. I smile a little "ready to go home Mrs. Grey?"

She simply nods without looking at me. Her reaction sends a wave of pain through me. It seems that she's lost in her thoughts these days. I have no idea how to approach her. I have no idea how to help her cope. I have no idea how to fight for her, because I don't know this Ana! Gone is the Ana with her smart mouth only to be replaced with someone so lost and broken.

I nod back and slowly lead the way to the car. Taylor says hello to Ana but is met with only a nod. I see the sadness in his eyes too. Our drive home is silent, no one making any attempt at conversation.

As we reach Escala parking, she lets me help her out of the car and we head up to the penthouse in more silence.

As we enter the house Gail is there waiting for us, beaming "welcome home Ana!"

Ana just nods and smiles very slightly and walks on to our bedroom.

Gail looks at me with shock in her eyes. "I'll get dinner ready." She mumbles out and shuffles to the kitchen.

I follow Ana to our bedroom and I find her just sitting on our bed staring at the wall.

"Do want me to draw a bath for you?" I ask her.

"Yes please, thank you." Is all I get in return? So formal…oh what am I going to do!

I hand her phone and let her know that Carla had called earlier, before heading into the bathroom to draw her bath.

Once I'm done, I turn around to fetch Ana but I see her standing near the door, her face ashen, with her phone tightly gripped in her hand. Her eyes…they are full of pain. The look on her face sends shivers down my spine.

"What is it Ana, what's wrong, baby?" I rush to her.

"Is this true?" she whispers, holding out the phone for me.

I see she has opened an e-mail from an unknown address

As I start reading it, I feel my heart sinking.

 _Dear Ana,_

 _I would like to offer you my condolences on your lost child. It pained me extremely to find out what you have lost, and what you'll never have for the rest of your life. I'm sorry to know that you can never conceive again. But you have to admit that it's only a good thing because Christian can never be a father. The situation you find yourself in now is an in fact a favor from your ex-boss._

 _Yours,_

 _Mrs. Robinson_

No! This can't be happening. I'm livid with rage and I'm about to break and go out and hunt down Elena so that I can choke her to death, but as I look up to see Ana, I know she needs me to be calm.

"Answer me Christian. Tell me this is not true, tell me this is some sick joke this filthy woman finds amusing." Her voice breaks as she says this.

Oh Ana! How do I tell her…?

"Ana, when Jack stabbed you, he did so repeatedly. That did a lot of damage to your ovaries. That's why you may not be able to conceive again." I whisper back without looking at her.

There's a stunned silence between us. And then she slowly sinks to the floor. I quickly sit down next to her and hold her in my arms, and for the first time in three days she starts crying.

Her pain, her loss, _our_ loss has me reeling and I start crying with her. We sit for hours at the bathroom door, holding each other as we cry…


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

APOV:

 _ **Three Months Later:**_

Today's just another day of my lifeless existence. Another day that I'll waste away, trying to pretend that I'm fine, happy. But how can I be? After all that happened, how can I face the world? How do I forgive myself, forgive Christian for losing our baby. My little Blip, he was so innocent and loved and I couldn't save him.

I drag myself out of the bed and head to the bathroom and start following the routine I follow every day. Wake up, Eat, Waste Away my Day, Eat and back to sleep. I stopped going back to work, because I couldn't get myself to get out of the house and face the world, the reality that everyone has moved on.

After that hateful mail from Elena, Christian and I had grieved together. I guess he had hoped that I would start letting him in again, but I couldn't. How could I when I was hurting so much. I couldn't let him see how broken I am. I couldn't bear to feel his touch, his love…. All his actions made me remember Blip. So I did the best thing I could think of. I pushed him away.

To the world, we are still a happy couple, together against all odds. The newspapers kept printing stories about my bravery and dedication for my family for weeks after the incident. But the Greys know how far from the truth those stories are.

I have hardly kept in touch with them. Initially Mia and Kate would come over, trying to keep me company. But they got tired of my lack of enthusiasm to do anything but sit around the house.

Grace tried to get Christian and me to attend so many family dinners but failed and gave up eventually.

Ray used to visit often for the first month after the incident. And Carla used to call frequently. But my monosyllabic answers and lack of interest in any sort of conversation led them to give up as well.

And Christian….I barely see him now. He tried so hard for the first month. Tried to get me to talk to Flynn, tried to take me out to places, but I wouldn't let him. I have barely touched him since that night. Barely let him hold me. We still share the same bed, but sleep as far from each other as we can.

Every time I look at him I can see the longing, the pain but I can't get myself to talk to him. I am so angry at him for going to Elena that night, for leaving me like that… but mostly I am angry at myself, for being stupid enough to confront Jack on my own. Eventually Christian gave up on me too.

He spends most of his hours at GEH, coming back home only to sleep. Some nights he doesn't even come back. On weekends he's always locked inside his office. He comes to bed much after me and leaves before I get up. We have drifted so much. I wonder how long he'll stand this. I wonder how long it'll take him to finally kick me out for all this shit I'm putting him and his family through.

I'm curled up in the library with a book, though I am barely reading it; when I hear a gentle tap on the door. I turn around to see Gail walking in. "Ana, Kate is here to visit you" she says gently

Oh! Why is Kate here? It's been weeks since she visited. I debate whether I should go out to meet her or simply avoid her and lock myself in the library, when she barges in….so typically Kate.

"Hey Ana! How are you?" she looks happy. She's almost glowing. She comes next to me and sits down. "I'm sorry I haven't been here to see you for so long."

"It's alright Kate. It's not your duty to come visit me." I reply nonchalantly.

She looks at me for a while before she continues, "Ana, Elliot and I preponed the date for the wedding. I know this is short notice but we thought we'll hold it two weeks from now, at Bellevue." I sigh. She like everyone else has moved on.

"Oh congratulations Kate." I say with no emotion in my voice.

"Ana, I want you to be my Maid of Honor..." Kate says gently.

I look up at her shocked. I don't understand! After the way I have been behaving around everyone, she still wants me around, wants me to be her maid of honor…

"Kate I…" I don't know what to say, "Kate, you should ask Mia. I don't think I can be your maid of Honor"

"Oh Ana! Don't say that! You are my best friend and like a sister. I want it to be you! Please!" Kate pleads.

"Kate, no! And the wedding is too close! I don't know how I can be of any help. Why did you prepone it though?" my curiosity gets the best of me.

"Ana, I'm pregnant!" she squeals out...

Pregnant! Oh! I feel a sharp pain in my gut... no wonder she's so happy! But I can't help feel sad. And also a little bit jealous. Had I not miscarried, I would be sitting here sharing my best friend's joy; but right now her good news feels like too much to deal with.

"We found out about my pregnancy only two days back! We were so elated. Only Grace and Christian know about it and now you." Oh! Christian knows!

"Elliot suggested that we prepone the wedding so we can get married before the baby is born! And anyway, waiting for the wedding for so long didn't make sense in the first place" Kate gushes out.

But I barely register her words. Now the family is going to have a new baby Grey and it's not going to be my little Blip.

"Ana, please say something!" I look up at her and see that she's hurt with my gloomy response.

"I don't know how to be happy for you Kate..." I whisper out. I see the tears well in her eyes. "I'm sorry Kate. Congratulations though." I get up to leave the library.

Before I exit, I turn around and tell her "I don't want to be your maid of honor. Ask Mia. Please" she looks absolutely heart broken. Oh Kate! I want to tell her that I'm so sorry for being this way, but I can't.

But before I can leave the library, Kate speaks out, "Ana, wait!"

I turn around to look at her and I'm surprised to see anger in her eyes.

"How long will you be like this? How much longer Ana? Do you think you are the only one hurting? Do you think that everyone has simply forgotten about the incident?" the anger in her voice shocks me.

"Ana we are grieving too. Do you have any idea how scared everyone was after the incident? We thought we lost you. Do have even a tiny clue what Christian went through? He was so broken when he found out that you miscarried..." my head snaps up. Christian was upset? I thought he didn't want the baby!

"Do you know what Christian is going through now? Every minute, every day, you refuse to acknowledge him and he dies a little more inside. It's not just you Ana! He lost his baby too! And now he thinks he lost his wife." I see tears in her eyes and that's when I realize that I've been crying too.

I sink down to the floor. "Oh Kate! Help me… I don't know what to do." I start sobbing

Kate is next to me at once and she holds on to me.

"Ana, Christian is in hell right now. I know you are angry at him for how he treated you for going to Elena, but…"

I cut her off, "you know!?" I'm shocked to hear her say this!

She sighs before she continues, "Ana it's a long story. Let's get off the floor and let me get you something to eat. We can talk while we eat."


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

APOV:

Gail fixed us a chicken sandwich as Kate poured herself some juice and sat beside me.

"I don't know where to start, Ana…there's so much you should know. But you should be hearing most of this from Christian. I am only telling you this because he never would, and its time you know what's been happening around you." she says.

"It's nice to hear you both are getting along now." I smile for the first time in months.

She smiles back at me, "don't get me wrong. He's still an egocentric control freak! That's never changing. Do you know how much security he has following everyone around? It really drives Mia crazy. But everyone knows not to argue with him in this matter." She sighs.

She looks at me, trying to gauge my emotions before continuing. "He's a mess Ana. He'd started drinking too much. About a month after you came back home from the hospital, Elliot got a call from Taylor in the middle of the night. Taylor was frantic, wanted to know if Christian was with us because he couldn't find him." I gasp! I had no idea he'd gone missing. No one told me anything. But then again everyone had given up on me.

"Elliot didn't want to worry Grace. So we decided to search for him before we told her. We split up. I went with Taylor and he took Sawyer. We were driving around like crazy for hours, looking for him in bars, at his office, everywhere. We couldn't reach him on his phone. Then Taylor had the idea of going to your new house, the one Elliot was renovating. And we found him there. Curled up in one of the bedrooms…drunk out of his mind."

I see so many emotions pass through Kate's eyes and she pauses for what seems like several minutes before she continues. "We had to rush him to the hospital. He had to get his stomach pumped…" I gasp again. The tears keep flowing easily now.

I was so self-absorbed, so lost in self-pity that I failed to notice all of this... I failed my marriage vows.

"Ana, we keep checking in on him, but he's lost without you. He hasn't talked to Grace or Mia in weeks. He only talks to Elliot and me because I am persistent. He needs you Ana. And you need him too! Now that I'm pregnant, I understand what you have lost and I can't imagine the depths of your grief and despair. But Ana, both of you can get through this only with the help of each other. You can't do this alone." She says soothingly.

Oh god! Why have I been so selfish?

"How did you find out about Elena?" I ask her between sobs.

She holds me gently and strokes my hair. Then she continues after a while, "He told me about everything the next day in the hospital, before he was discharged. He told me about how he treated you when you first told him about the pregnancy. And he told me about bumping into Elena. Ana, he didn't go to meet her intentionally. She just walked into the same bar he was in and they started talking. He never told her about the pregnancy either. And Ana, he had realized that he loved the baby before all that shit with Hyde happened. He was on his way to you from Portland, even before Sawyer called. The room we found Cristian in, that night, he said he had wanted it to be the baby's nursery."

No! I can't bear to hear this. I pushed him away for so long. I messed up so bad!

"He found a print out of your ultrasound in your purse. He carries it around everywhere. He blames himself for the miscarriage." Kate says.

By now, I can't stop my tears. This is so wrong. We were so happy. And now I have put him through so much pain. And not just him, the entire family. Will they ever accept me?

"Oh Kate, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry for hurting you and everyone! How do I fix this?" I sob while I hold onto her.

"No, don't apologize Ana. You were hurting. You didn't know any better. In fact I shouldn't have lashed out at you this morning. I'm sorry about that." She says trying to soothe me.

After I calm down a little, she says, "don't fret too much. We all love you so much. Everyone will welcome you back with the same love they had for you before you spiraled down. We all understand. Especially Grace. Just don't shut us out anymore! We are here for you. All of us. Let us help you through this." And I finally understand, none of them ever gave up on me. I just gave up on myself. Everyone else was simply giving me space and time to grieve.

I'm so glad that Kate came by today and intervened. I would have never realized any of this without her. I would have never found out about Christian's pain.

I hug her tightly "thank you Kate. Thanks for not giving up on me."

We sit together for a while talking about old memories from college and so many other things. I didn't realize how much I'd missed my best friend.

In the middle of our conversation, she gets a text and as soon as she reads it, she starts beaming. Her smile is infectious. And for the second time in months I find myself smiling again. I bet it was Elliot who messaged her.

When she looks at me, she hesitates a little before asking, "Ana, I have a doctor's appointment today. Would you like to come with me? Elliot will meet us there" Oh!

She wants me to accompany her! Can I do this? It would only bring back too many memories of my first ultrasound, me seeing Blip for the first time.

But I guess it's time to accept that Blip is no more. It's time to accept that there will be no more Blip 2 or Blip 3. It's time to be strong. I'm sure if Blip was here, he or she wouldn't want mommy to be so weak.

"Yes Kate I would love to! After all I'm going to be your Maid of Honor. I better start following you around and helping you out." I tell her with a smile, though my tears betray me. And I see my emotions mirrored in her eyes.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

APOV:

I wanted to meet Christian right away, before I left with Kate for her appointment. But when Kate called Taylor to let him know that she is taking me out with her, he informed that Christian is busy in a meeting. I didn't want to disturb him. And I wanted to think things through and figure out what to say to him before I met him. I guess it would be best if I talked to him in the comfort of our home once he gets back from work. So I let Kate dress me up and whisk me away with her. I must say, it felt good to let Kate do my hair and makeup. She even talked me into wearing a pretty blue sundress. She said I would want to look my best when I meet my husband later in the evening.

Accompanying Kate to the doctor was the best thing I have done in the last few months. It felt nice to step outside the house after so long. Her security drove us to the clinic and Elliot was there waiting outside for us.

To say that he was shocked to see me is an understatement but that shock was short lived. As soon as I walked up to him he had me engulfed in a bear hug.

It was sobering to watch both Elliot and Kate so giddy with joy about the pregnancy. All three of us had tears in our eyes when we saw the tiny baby on the ultrasound screen. It was so bittersweet.

After the appointment, I made plans with Kate to help her out with the wedding details. There was so much to be done and I was glad that I was finally breaking out of my gloom. Elliot told me about the family dinner Grace is hosting tomorrow and asked me to be present with Christian because they would be breaking the news of the pregnancy to everyone. I am a little overwhelmed that he wants me to be present tomorrow.

Its almost 6 when Kate and Elliot dropped me off home, where Taylor is waiting for me at the foyer. Oh! Cristian must be back early today. I guess Taylor informed him about my outing.

"Good evening Mrs. Grey" Taylor says.

"Hello Taylor" I smile at him. His eyes light up at my reaction. I guess I hurt him with my actions too. He turns to leave but I stop him, "Taylor, wait!" he turns around to look at me. "Thank you for keeping Christian safe"

So many emotions pass through his eyes, before he smiles and says, "I'm always here for both of you. Don't forget that Ana" with that he leaves. I'm touched by his words.

As I walk into the house, I start feeling a bit nervous. I wonder how I should approach Christian. How will her react towards me after being pushed away for so long…

I walk into the bedroom and hear the shower running. I debate whether I should just go in or not. It's been so long since I have touched him, undressed him, and showered with him. And then I think, what the hell! Might as well go in and tell him how much I love him. I have stopped myself from doing anything for 3 whole months, I don't want to wait any longer.

I pick up all the courage I have and slowly walk into the bathroom. And there I see Christian in all his glory under the shower with his back to me. I can't help but admire my husband. I sigh feeling sad that I stayed away from him for so long. And there was a time in my life when I thought I couldn't go for a day without touching him, without kissing him. I realize how much I missed out on and how much I hurt Christian.

He doesn't turn around, I guess he is lost in his thoughts, unaware of my presence. So I quietly walk towards him and wrap my hands around him, "I'm so very sorry Christian, I love you!" I hear a loud gasp from him.

Here I am standing under the shower fully clothed, trying to apologize. I feel his breathing quicken and after a while he turns around. I see his eyes are stormy grey. We don't say anything to each other; we just keep looking into each other's eyes, trying to figure out what the other is thinking.

It seems like minutes are passing by and Christian has still not said anything. I am worried that he's going to push me away and ask me to leave. My worry almost turns into panic, when suddenly his lips come crashing down on me.

I'm momentarily shocked. I didn't expect him to kiss me like this. I thought he would shout, or simply say something….

But I don't waste another minute before kissing him back. Oh I missed kissing him. I put everything into the kiss, trying to convey the depths of my feelings. And Christian seems to be doing the same. Soon I'm pushed up against the wall and I feel Christian's hands roam my face, my body with such desperation. It's like he's trying to make sure I really am there, that I won't vanish into thin hair.

I let my hands roam around a bit as well till I entangle them in his hair. He pushes into me deepening the kiss even more and I can feel his erection pressing up against me. Even after all I have done, he still wants me!

We kiss for minutes till we have to break apart for air. Both of us are left panting and wanting more. I lean in to kiss him again, when he stops me, "no Ana, stop."

And my world comes crashing down. He did come to his senses at last. He did realize that he doesn't want me.

 _ **Author's Note: Hey guys I would like to thank all of you who took the time review and especially those who PM'd me. Your comments and inputs mean a lot to me. So guys about this chapter, I was a little unsure writing this. I don't know if you'll liked it. I would really like to know what you guys think should happen next.**_


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

CPOV:

"No Ana, stop." It takes all my self-control to utter those words. After the kiss we shared, I want nothing more than simply burying myself in her…..but if she kisses me again, I won't be able to stop myself from going further. And I don't know if Ana wants to go so far right away. Also, I can't simply use sex to bridge our gap. We need to talk.

Yes, I, Christian Grey, am choosing talking over sex. Never thought this day would come.

I look into Ana's eye, to see that she's hurt…does she feel upset? Oh! She wants me too! My resolution starts to waver and I almost give in, but Ana turns to leave.

"Ana, don't go!" no I can't let her leave me! It's been too long since I held her, looked at her like that.

She turns around, surprise written all over her face. Did she think I asked her to stop because I didn't want her? "But, Christian….." she starts to say, and I cut her off with another chaste kiss. That's all I can manage without losing my self-control.

"Ana, I didn't ask you to stop because I don't want you. I asked because I don't want to do it here, like this… I want us to talk before we go any further..." she looks amused by what I just said.

"I never thought I'll get to hear that from you…you are picking talking over sex? Have you lost your edge, Mr. Grey?" she taunts me, smiling a little. I missed that smile so much.

"Oh Ana, you have no idea what I want to do with you." I taunt back. I press my erection into her body. She has to know the effect she has on me, and I smile as I see her cheeks turn beet red. Oh I "But Ana, it's been 3 months…we"

Ana cuts me off, "you are right... we need to talk. I just got caught up in the moment when you kissed me. Why don't you finish showering and I'll go dry up and fix us some dinner."

With that she walks out and

I'm left wondering about what I am going to say to her when I see her next.

Once I'm dried up and dressed, I walk out to find her setting the table for dinner. This looks so normal. Like the last 3 months never happened. She looks at me and smiles "I gave Gail the evening off. I wanted to cook for you myself. I made Mac n Cheese."

I smile as I sit down and help myself. She sits down opposite me. We sit in silence for a while, I don't think either of us knows what to say, where to start.

She finally breaks the silence, "I met Kate and Elliot today. I went with them to their doctor's appointment."

"Yes Taylor informed me about that."

"They were so happy….." she trails off.

"Ana, I… I wanted our baby too" I can't stop myself from saying it.

There's a long silence between us and Ana doesn't look me in the eyes…I find it really frustrating that I don't know what's going on in her head..

"I know, Christian." She finally whispers. I notice tears running down her face. Oh Ana!

I rush to her side at once and hold her tightly. I never want to let her go again. It pains me to see her hurting like this.

I hold stand there holding her for a while till she says, "I'm sorry Christian. I'm sorry for shutting you out like this, but I didn't know what to do. I was so lost. I hated being alive, being able to breathe when I couldn't save our baby. I didn't want to live for a while."

I'm stunned. Stunned and speechless. She didn't want to live?

"Ana, the miscarriage wasn't your fault. The person responsible is paying for it. That night, in the hospital, I died a thousand deaths…the thought of losing you and the baby…I don't think I'll be able to deal with that." And now the tears run freely. We both cry for a while till Ana gets up and hugs me. She rests her head on my chest and says; "I don't think our little Blip would have wanted to see his parents like this..."

"Blip?" I ask with a small smile

"Blip" she replies mirroring my smile. "I fucked up Christian" she says after a beat.

"Oh, Ana No! Don't ever think like that! You were hurt. I hurt you. I'm the one that fucked up, as usual." I say with more tears in my eyes.

And then her lips come crashing down on mine. I hold her tight and kiss her back and I can feel all her emotions in the kiss... her anguish, her love, and I know I can't stop with a kiss this time.

She breaks apart for a while and whispers, "we both did, but it's time to get past that. It's time to be strong. It's time to heal." I can't help but admire this strong, forgiving woman in front of me.

I pull her closer to me and kiss her again with all the passion I can manage.

I lift her in my arms and carry her into the bedroom. I gently lay her on our bed. All this while Ana doesn't let me break the kiss.

I feel myself growing harder and harder. I just want to feel Ana, feel her against me. I want to lose myself inside her for the night. And I can see she wants the same, but I ask her all the same, "Ana, are you sure you want this?"

"Yes! I have denied myself, denied us our love for each other long enough. I don't want to be apart from you a single minute! Make love to me Christian, please!"

 _ **Author's Note: I'm extremely sorry guys for such a delayed update. I promise to be a little more regular… so you'll know what to expect in the next chapter :P but bear with me because this will be the first time for me, writing anything like this.**_


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

CPOV:

"Make love to me Christian, please!" Ana whispers out and that's all the confirmation I need. I start devouring her mouth again, as I quickly remove the oversized t-shirt she's wearing... Christ, no bra! I waste no time in gently grabbing her breasts and squeezing them. I use my thumb to circle her nipples that are already rock hard… this makes her arch upwards, right into my hands, giving me better access to those luscious breasts.

She moans out loudly and that sound alone almost makes me come, but I know I have to control myself. Tonight I am going to worship her body, I'm going to pleasure her for hours and make her climax over and over.

I trap her left breast with my mouth and her right with my hand, while my free hand roams all over her body.

As my hands move down to her belly, I'm met with these long thin bumps. Confused, I break our kiss and look down and at the same time I hear Ana gasp… Scars. 5 long scars of the 5 stab wounds Jack fucking Hyde dealt her.

I look up to see the terror in Ana's eyes. I can see all the memories rush back to her and she quickly reaches for her t-shirt and pulls it on, as if she's trying to hide from me and then the trembling starts.

I quickly scramble up the bed and hold her, rocking her gently, murmuring soft words to her, rubbing her back and trying to soothe her. But it takes a while for her to calm down. When her breathing finally evens out, I find that she has drifted off to sleep.

And then a realization hits me… She is broken and scarred like I was, before I met Ana. The look I saw in her eyes, I know it too well… because I lived through it. She believes she's fucked up, that her scars define her and she's emotionally destroyed. I can't help but silently sob. My poor Ana. What did she ever do to deserve so much pain? She was so loving, carefree…so alive!

No! I won't let my Ana go down the same self-destructive, self-loathing path I went down! I won't be able to forgive myself if that ever happened. She helped me out of my misery and now it's my turn to help her deal with her troubles. I'll show her that I love her so much. I'll lay the world at her feet and make her see that she's cherished.

With my steel determination of fixing everything I gently kiss her and hold her close and watch her sleep and eventually I drift off as well…

The next thing I remember is waking up to a thrashing and whimpering next to me. I see Ana struggling against something invisible and begging and it breaks my heart to imagine what her nightmare must be about. I shake her gently to wake her up but that only makes things worse... she finds my touch threatening.

I'm at a loss and I don't know what to do. But eventually her thrashing reduces and she doesn't flinch from my touch. I hold her and her breathing evens out, but I know she's awake.

"Ana, Baby, are you ok?" I whisper out…

She nods very slightly. And then all of a sudden in a swift movement I'm pinned under her and her lips are on mine. She devours my mouth and kisses me with such urgency, like her life depends on it

As if on cue, my dick springs up, demanding the attention it was denied a while back. But this isn't about me. This is about Ana. I'll give it to her hard and fast if she wants it or I'll worship her body if that's what she asks for.

So I kiss her back with all my might and put all my love into it. I want Ana to know how much I want her. We break away momentarily, gasping for breath and I ask, "What do you want Ana, tell me what you need."

"Christian I…" I can see her hesitate…

I bridge the gap between us and seal our lips for another kiss. And then I tell her, "baby I'll do whatever you want me to do. I love you. I cherish you. I want you. Always!"

I see her eyes fill up with tears and she only whispers out, "I need to feel you Christian, inside me."

I nod in acknowledgment and quickly get back to kissing her while I work on getting her out of her clothes. She fumbles while removing my t-shirt, her hands trembling ever so slightly.

But once she works her way down to my pants she takes no time in yanking it off. She takes my erection in her hands and pumps it a few times and I almost explode. I think when a person as crazy about sex as me, abstains for 3 months, this is what happens. I feel like a fucking teenager, horny as hell, unable to last even 5 minutes.

"Ana, stop it," I pull her hands away from my dick. "I want to feel you around me when I come. I want to be inside you."

Her eyes flutter open and I see her desire, her need for me in them. "Fuck me now, Christian! Please"

And who am I to deny my lovely wife, no matter how estranged we were in the last few months.

"Baby, this is going to be hard and fast..." I don't want to wait anymore because I know she's wet and ready for me. I don't want to tease her. So I flip us over and pin her underneath me and just slide into her in one swift motion.

And then I freeze for a second. To be inside her after so long, the feeling is exquisite. She is warm, wet and so tight around me. I can't help but wonder how I stayed away for so long. It's like I found the Holy Grail and then gave it up.

And then I start moving. I set a relentless pace, slamming into her over and over. I can see Ana's lost in the sensation as she keeps moaning and mumbling incoherent words. And soon I can feel her muscles clenching and quivering around my dick. She comes while screaming my name and that pushes me over the edge. I come violently, spilling everything I have inside her, while a hot white flame of pleasure shoots up my body.

As I come down from my high, I collapse on top of her, all spent up and exhausted. I have no wish to move from this position but I don't want to crush Ana with my weight. So I roll off her and spoon her from behind.

I'm overjoyed with the mind blowing sex we just had but what worries me is that Ana is dreadfully quiet. Several minutes pass by but Ana says nothing… Is she regretting this decision of having sex, was it too soon, after everything that happened?

I'm lost in my thoughts, when she slowly turns around and looks me right in the, "I love you so much, Christian."

And I sigh with relief. Because just like that I know everything is going to be fine. It might take us a while to get there, but we'll be fine.


End file.
